I have encountered some tremendous grace notes from the actors. I can see that they really are courageous people. I am also a little more open to acknowledging their fear on the night before a performance; that they are just professionals in need of some basic reassurance. I can provide that now, more meaningfully... and yet, in seeing their fear, I've become troubled by my role in this occupation.
Flaubert kept a sign above his studio door which read:
"Be orderly in your life so that you can be violent on the page."
I agree with the orderly part... and I still see tremendous value in ecstatic engagement with the violence of human stories... and yet... my mental focus and emerging sense of calm have been damaged by my professional engagement with "tragedy" onstage/on the page.
This is a disquieting realization. Since I am not yet a master (in art or in practicing life), I am concerned about a certain kind of negative energy: the pain which one showcases when directing a play about human beings who are hurting.
One cannot make art only from the POV of compassionate observer. I would say that good theatre moves beyond measured empathy with our characters. At some level (Method or other techniques) we must become them. There's a danger there that I didn't acknowledge or understand before.
I suspect this is something to ponder rather than act upon (no pun). Still, it's a bit disturbing to realize what one loves in life is potentially hazardous to health and spirit.
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